And What Am I?

"Faithfulness... Your enduring faithfulness."

These have a tendency to just be ramblings... I need to fix that but I dont really know how. Coherant thought isnt one of my strongest suits, but thats why I like me. I do my best to be faithful, in whatever capacity I'm required to be so. I had an unfortunate sabbatical from my faith for a time. Not because I didnt believe, but because I wallowed in self-pity. I find that I have this odd inverted mentality when it comes to the pride cycle. When times are rough and trials soar, I tend to step away from my faith; and when times are good I find it again and revel in the goodness that is my renewed faith. I dont know why. Then again, I dont really know why I do most of the things I do. I also find it funny that despite the clarity that I have gained of late, I am still just as confused as ever about certain, and different, aspects of my life. It seems they werent as important before, but now that other things have been cleared away they come to the forefront.

Goodness I'm tired... But I do like her, Sam I Am.

Eye No Itz Trew

In my efforts to make this blog something far beyond me, I have come to realize this blog is already far beyond me. The eternal law of keeping records is not something I have kept well, nor is it a gift that is going to be easily accessed. Forgive me for my shortcomings. I shall keep this simple tonight, as my eye hurts, and I crave sustenance (Me want food).

I moved home almost a year ago and despite my rocky start, I feel that somehow things have picked up. I dont know how, why, when, or even how (I know I know, I said that already but I dont want to go back and change it) but I do know it has begun (Anybody familiar with the Mortal Kombat song??? I thought not). I see the ward I am in as my past, present, and future, but for the life of me never knew why. I'm stuck in a dead end job that I hate with just about every cell in my body (my ganglion seem to like it). The last few months have been somewhat reflective; on myself, what I am, what I'm becoming, where I'm going, what I'm going to name my cold sore (They're like hurricanes, they are!). Is this reflection a result of meeting a girl? Only in a small fashion. We haven't even gone on a date. This predates last Monday when I met the first person I've desired to take out since 2009 began. But I suppose that is a part of it, especially now. I dont know the future (I have been granted clairvoyance a few times but not right now) but I know it's going up from here. The doldrums of life are only such if we grant them their power. Its time to stand tall like a man (or woman... but I'm a man) and shake off the shackles of mediocrity... Now I just have to figure out how ;)

Attempted Insight

Funny how things work out in life... or don't. They say time is the fire in which we burn. Jacob, the Book of Mormon prophet said that "and also our lives passed away like as it were unto us a dream". A little over a year ago I graduated from Utah State and thought 'I'll just play this summer and figure out life as the summer progresses'... and now I find myself still in that season of figuring out life. Ambition has never been one of my strong suits and though now I am actively working toward the goal of grad school, I still wonder about the days that pass by where an hour of study for the GRE seems minuscule and all but significant. Is it important, I think so, but that doesn't make it monumental. Merely a step. One step, two steps, three steps. Life is full of steps, but to really matter, the steps need to be headed in a specific direction. As it is, I seem to be doing a waltz. One two three one two three... but always in circles. And though I regularly remind myself I'm never alone, I still feel that I am waltzing alone, and as I turn, I catch glimpses of others walking past me. Some quickly, some slowly. Some even, seeming to walk past me backwards. Some don't even move. But for all the steps I take, there is progression, however minute. It is this progression that I must focus on. I must make the strides larger, the music louder, until finally I stop spinning and the one two three's of my steps become not mere attempts to reach some undefined finale, but crescendoed beats to the Maestro's planned end. My end.

Catalysts

They are called catalysts; a person or thing that precipitates an event or change. In my life there have been 3, whom I shall not name. Each of these catalysts certainly precipitated a change in myself. To progress from a fallen deluded state, to a state of... action, shall we say. Each of these catalysts occured in a time of my life where decisions were made, by myself and others, which subsequently caused my attitude to change for the worst. And in each of these states of madness the catalyst appeared, each different in their own mode and manner, and pressed upon me the importance of change. Following the first two occurances, life steadily became better as I let go of the past, and pressed into the future with new resolve. Today there was another of these catalysts, thus comprising the three. I must note that never in these instances has my meeting the catalyst ever resulted in anything more than a change of mind and attitude. The catalyst(s) and myself never became uber-familiar and soon parted after the reaction had taken place. Do I regret this, no. The point is that these people (catalysts) exist in each of our lives. I am grateful for them, for He who sends them to me, and that I am at least still coherant enough in reality to notice them. The day dawns, the world is brigher, and meaning is given once more.

Responsibility and Fathers

Today a fellow co-worker of mine fell asleep while he was escorting some contractors doing work on some heating units. When I found out he was promptly fired for it I began thinking about where and when in life I learned responsibility, and from whom, if specifics exist. I also thought about my newfound killer instinct in business; the drive to be the top dog, crushing anyone who gets in my way. Not by making them fail, but by doing so well that the higher ups are forced to acknowledge my superiority. A bit much, I know; so I'll mostly focus on the first point.

The specific I must point out is my father. His work ethic is like few I've ever seen. He definitely teaches by example in this aspect of life. You do what is necessary, regardless of the time it takes, and what time it is. He goes to work really early, returns home to make dinner, and often returns back to work. A lesson I learned from him, and from the LDS Prophet Brigham Young, "Never ask someone to do a thing which you are not willing to do yourself." I continually do this in my life, as I set a dinner plate on the counter without even looking in the dishwasher to see if it is clean or dirty I think 'I cant tell ______ to put his dishes in the dishwasher if I wont do it myself'. And I do this quite often in my labors throughout the day.

That was a bit of a tangent but one that hopefully praised my father enough. It is his birthday tomorrow so I've been thinking a lot about him and his effect in my life. I guess my initial point I was trying to make and explore has been trasmuted into an homage to my father, but that is ok with me. At work, even strangers come up to me and ask if I'm Scott's son. It's taken a long time to accept but I look and act like my father in many fundamental ways. And that isnt a bad thing. He's a great man.


Not all my posts will take on the more serious tone but forgive a soul for praising the ones who went before him.

And So It Begins

I have taken a long time getting where I am today but in my journey I've seen some things, learned some things, and overcome some things that I would like to share with others. I don't expect to be followed, praised, enjoyed, or even read. I do this for myself and no others. I just need to write again. It has been too long... too much has been left undone. Unsaid. This is the forum in which I choose to unveil it all. Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war. Bring on the chicks.